Fiona's Chainsaw Massacre
by Timmy the dog
Summary: Fiona goes crazy with a chainsaw! Can the Baudelaires stop her? VQ, KI, SOC, FD Lots of gruesome deaths. Not for Fiona fans or the squemish. No Flames please. Completed!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this Fanfic.**

**Fiona's Chainsaw Massacre**

**What has happened before...**

17 years after Count Olaf's death, the Baudelaires and Quagmires have settled down to live a happy and peaceful life. Violet has married Quigley and has 2 young children and is expecting her 3rd . Klaus has married Isadora and has 3 baby sons (triplets). Duncan has MARRIED Fiona! They are childless.

**Chapter 1**

**Present Day**

Today was a special day for Sunny Baudelaire. A very special day. Today was her wedding. Today Sunny Baudelaire would become Mrs Rainbow Jones. All the surviving menders of V.F.D were invited along with along with all of Sunny and Rainbow's family.

"Can you all take your seats," the Vicar requested. There was silence. "Do you Sunny Baudelaire take Rainbow Jones as your lawfully wedded husband?"

"Rainy, dear from the first time I saw you in that hotel, I knew you were my soul mate, my one true love. We've had some hard time but we've always pulled thought and always will. I love you, Rainy. So my answer is I do," Sunny almost sang in her sweet , calming voice.

"And do you, Rainbow Jones, take Sunny Baudelaire as your wife?"

"Sunny, You are the world to me, you are the Moon, the brightest star and the sun. You're what keeps my world turning. I do," smiled Rainbow, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Then I proudly announce you husband and wife. You may kiss," The Vicar announced. Sunnys and Rainbow's lips make contact, with each other, then broke away. The church filled with cheering.

Later at the party…

"Oh! Fiona I didn't know YOU would be here," scowled Klaus.

"Well I'm here! So cope with it!" Fiona snapped. (Klaus never could forgive Fiona for joining Count Olaf).

"Well, I'm going to see how Isadora and the triplets are. Bye!" said Klaus stowing away.

"Good riddance to bad rubbish!" Fiona shouted at him.

'Oh why?' thought Fiona. 'Why did I ever let him go? He shouldn't be married to that cow. He should married to me. I shouldn't be married to this piggy boy Duncan. I need to dispose of him. Tonight would do.'

"Hee, hee, hee! HA HA HA HA!" Fiona cackled.

"Fiona sweetie. Could you stop laughing like that? People are giving us strange looks," smiled Duncan.

Later at Fiona and Duncan's house, Fiona sat down in her favourite chair and picked up her favourite book about mushrooms. They had left the party early.

"Little Sunny married. I just can't believe she's grown up so fast. It seems like just yesterday she was a little baby," Duncan said. "Do you think we'll ever have children?"

"We can't have children if you're dead!" Fiona screamed, bashing Duncan on the head with the mushroom book. Duncan crumpled and hit the floor with a sickening thumping. Fiona picked up the chainsaw she'd been hiding behind the sofa.

"Rrrrrrrrrrr."

"Time to dispose of the body!" Fiona smiled, lowing the chainsaw. She cut him up until he was just a pile of tiny pieces. The white rug was stained with blood and guts. Fiona popped open a tube containing 1 black hair. She picked up the hair with a pair of tweezers and put on the rug. Then she hid the chainsaw and changed into some clothes exactly the same as what she was wearing before. She hid the clothes and then went running back to the party.

When she got to the party she shouted, "Has anyone seen Duncan? I can't seem to find him?"

**A/N**

**Hope you liked the first chapter in Fiona's Chainsaw Massacre! Please feel free to comment on any spelling or grammar mistakes. Hope I haven't offended any "Fiona lovers" too much. The next chapter will be in as quick as possible.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:**

**I don't own anything in this FanFic.**

Chapter 2

That evening Violet, Quigley, Klaus and Isadora were walking home from the party, when they heard Fiona screaming. They ran to her house and saw her running out of the house screaming. They also saw five police cars outside it.

Fiona finally stopped screaming and cried: "Help! Help! It's my Dunkey Hunkey! He's DEAD!"

Isadora and Violet busted into tears. Quigley just stared into space, not moving a muscle. Tears were welling up in Klaus's eyes; he said: "How did he die?"

"I don't know. The forensics are investigating the scene, they're trying to find out how he died!" Fiona wailed, blowing her nose.

"What do you mean the scene?" Quigley asked, snapping out of the sort of trance he was in.

"The living rooms covered in blood! They've told me Duncan's been murdered!" Fiona rolled up in a ball on the ground sobbing. She looked like a hedgehog with pneumonia.

"Mrs. Quagmire," a policeman interrupted.

"Yes," answered Fiona, standing up.

"We know who killed your husband. DNA tests from a hair we found at the scene show that it was…"

"Who?" everyone shouted.

"Isadora Baudelaire!" he stated, pointing at Isadora.

"WHAT?" They all shouted.

"Isadora Baudelaire I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder," The police man said handcuffing Isadora.

"How could you?" cried Fiona "He was your brother!"

Isadora was pushed in to a police car and drove to the station. Later in court she was found guilty of murder.

**A/N: A bit short I know but what will Fiona do next?**

**NEXT TIME: Fiona serves up some stewed pate, with some nasty surprises…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own A Series of Unfortunate Events. **

Chapter 3

A month later…

Sunny and Rainbow were back from their honeymoon and Klaus was still in denial about Isadora murdering Duncan.

"Oh Klaus, could you and the triplets come round for tea tonight? It's so lonely at home without Duncan," Fiona cooed, her bottom lip trembling.

"OK," replied Klaus, reluctantly. He felt sorry for Fiona.

'The boys and I need a good meal and it'll stop me thinking about how Isadora and I used to cook together,' thought Klaus, miserably

"I'll cook stewed pate. Hope you'll like it," said Fiona, an idea forming in her head. "Is seven OK?"

"Fine, see you there then."

When Fiona got home, she pulled out the bag containing the bits of Duncan from the freezer and tipped them into a pan of boiling water and vegetables.

At seven, Klaus and the kids arrived at Fiona's house. The table was set with Fiona's best china and candles.

"The triplets' highchairs and plastic bowls are in the car. I'll just go get them," said Klaus, dumping the triplets on to the table.

The highchairs were up and the food was dished out.

"It looks delicious! Dig in boys!" cried Klaus and with that the triplets fell asleep in their food.

"I'm just going to the loo," said Fiona, walking out of the room. Klaus stirred his stew with a spoon thoughtfully.

Suddenly a finger surfaced!

'Oh my God!' thought Klaus. 'Firstly, why is there a finger in my stew? Secondly, it has a scar just like Duncan's.'

Just then, Fiona came back. Klaus stuffed the finger into his pocket.

"How's the stew?" Fiona asked innocently, sitting down.

"Lovely," lied Klaus, "I'll just pop to the loo too." Klaus ran into the bathroom and locked the door.

'Lucky I have my pocket DNA kit with me. Now I just have to insert a bit of the finger,' he thought, 'and see what it comes up with.'

Klaus inserted a piece of the skin into the small machine. Instantly the DNA kit started searching for matches. After about ten minutes the kit made a beeping noise.

"At last a match," he thought aloud, looking at the screen. "OH NO! I was right!"

**A/N: What will Fiona do next? Thanks for all the reviews. The next chapter will be much longer, then this one, I can promise you. **

**Next Time: In the concluding chapter, Fiona and Violet battle to the death! Who will win?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own A Series of Unfortunate Events. Nor do I own light-sabres.**

**Chapter 4**

In the next few weeks, Klaus uncovered the clothes (the ones Fiona wore when she killed Duncan), the mushroom book and the chainsaw. Slowly he piled up the evidence against Fiona. She didn't suspect a thing; she thought Klaus kept coming round her house because he was finally falling back in love with her. Soon Klaus had enough evidence to confront Fiona. He could've gone to the police but with his past dealings with them, he decided not to.

He confronted Fiona when he next saw her in Violet's shed. Fiona was looking for Violet's children's old baby clothes when she heard a noise. She turned around to see Klaus.

"I know what you did," whispered Klaus.

"What on Earth do you mean?" Fiona asked, her eyes darting round the room, looking for a means of escape.

"YOU KILLED DUNCAN!" Klaus screamed triumphantly.

"Klaus, how could you think I could have done that terrible thing to my one true love? My little Dunkey wunkey."

"I found the chainsaw, the blood stained clothes and the mushroom book. I found Duncan's finger in my stewed pate!" Klaus retaliated.

"But Isadora Killed Duncan. The policeman said so," Fiona replied, gritting her teeth.

"GO ON! ADMIT IT.YOU KILLED DUNCAN AND FRAMED ISADORA FOR IT!" bellowed Klaus, going red in the face.

"OK!" ranted Fiona. "Oh yes, I KILLED HIM and I enjoyed it! I considered several different ways of killing him. I thought about planting a bomb in the toilet and blowing him into a million pieces, but there would be too much evidence. I thought about running him over with a pram with spiky wheels, but where would I get a pram with spiky wheels from? Now you know my secret I have to kill you too!"

And with that Fiona grabbed a chainsaw, turned it on and started swinging it at Klaus. The rusty blade just scraped his ear. Fiona lifted the chainsaw over her head and brought in down on Klaus' trembling left hand. Klaus screamed as the blade severed his little and ring finger. Blood gushed out coving him from head to foot.

"NOOOO! My little pinkie gone forever! Along with my wedding ring!" sobbed Klaus, clutching his bleeding hand. "Isadora's going to kill me!"

"Not if I kill you first!" Fiona cackled, lifting the chainsaw to deliver the final blow.

Suddenly splinters flew everywhere and a large hole appeared in the shed wall! Violet stepped through it, wielding a chainsaw of her own.

"I heard everything!" cried Violet over the roar of the chainsaws. "This is the last time you mess with my family!"

"Looks like it's time for a hair cut Violet!" Fiona snarled, lunging forward.

Fiona slashed at Violet with her chainsaw. Violet dodged and backed into the garden. She slashed at Fiona's clothes, ripping them into shreds. Fiona screamed something about them being designer and tried to cut Violet's head off but Violet ducked in time.

After five minutes of slashing, shredding, ducking and dodging, Fiona lunged forward. Violet's chainsaw went flying through the air and landed with a sickening crack on the patio.

"Say your prayers, purple girl!" shrieked Fiona.

"That's what you think Triangle-eyes!" cried Violet, pulling a small metal tube from her pocket.

"What're you going to do? Scare me to death with the nasty little tube! Oh do put it away, it's so scary," scoffed Fiona.

"Who said it was just a little tube?" grinned Violet, pressing a little red button on the tube which turned it into a blue light-sabre.

"Oh! Well two can play at that game!" Fiona shouted, pressing a red button on her chainsaw; turning it into a two-sided red light-sabre. The light-sabres clashed together, sparks flew everywhere! Klaus hated the sound. Shee-oh! Shee-oh!

Fiona had the clear advantage with the dual light-sabre but Violet was fuelled with love. Love for her brother and Duncan. She wouldn't give up. Violet knew she would need something special to beat Fiona but what? Then she knew it!

While still protecting herself, Violet pressed a small green button on the light-sabre turning it into…

A BAZOOKA!

"What!" cried Fiona. "How can a light-sabre turn into a bazooka?"

"I invented it! That's why!"

"Well it's good I nicked this from your shed!" shouted Fiona pulling a mini bazooka from her pocket.

"Not my mini bazooka!"

"And look what happens if I press this pretty little yellow button." Fiona grinned madly, pressing the button. The mini bazooka turned into a full sized one!

"Now let me show you how to use a bazooka," cried Fiona, pulling back the trigger.

**BOOM! **Gunpowder flew every where and an explosion engulfed Violet and Fiona. Quigley came running out of the house, shouting: "Violet! Fiona! what are you doing?"

"I'm trying to kill this scumbag! She killed Duncan!" raged Violet.

"And tried to kill me!" added Klaus.

"But Violet you can't go round having bazooka fights when you're 8½ months pregnant!" cried Quigley.

"I can and I am!"

"But you might hurt yourself and the baby and what if you lose?"

"You're about to find out!" Fiona cried, kicking Violets bazooka out of her hands and then kicking Violet's legs so she sunk to her knees.

"Please, Fiona I didn't mean it, when I said I was trying to kill you. I was just trying to disarm you," said Violet, terrified.

"Get ready to be blown into infinity," smiled Fiona, a mad glint in her eyes as she pointed her bazooka at Violet's head.

"Please Fiona think of my unborn child. Your niece or nephew!" Violet pleaded.

"I don't care!" shouted Fiona. Violet stared into Fiona's eyes and Fiona stared back into Violet's eyes. She dropped her bazooka, sobbing: "I can't do it. You look too much like Klaus, my one true love! I did it all for you, Klaus!"

"Quick! Sunny get out here!" shouted Klaus. Sunny and Rainbow came running out the house.

"Rainbow's here because of strange noises in the area. What is it?" gabbled Sunny.

"Fiona killed Duncan and tried to kill Klaus and Violet!"

"Oh my God!" cried Sunny. "Are you OK? Klaus you're bleeding!"

"We're OK. Rainbow, you're a policeman and you're on duty! Arrest her!" cried Klaus.

"Fiona Quagmire, I'm arresting on suspicion of murder and two cases of attempted murder and all that jazz."

"Um… Oh! Quigley, my waters have broken! The baby's coming!" cried Violet.

"Wow! What a day, the "real" murder of my brother was caught and my wife's going to give birth," sighed Quigley.

Rainbow took Fiona to the police station while Quigley, Sunny and Klaus (who had to go there anyway for his hand) took Violet to the hospital. After a few painful hours, in which Klaus had to come to terms with the fact he would only ever have three fingers on his left hand, they heard the sound they had been waiting for "WAAAA! WAAAA!"

"It's a girl!" cried Quigley, running out of the delivery room. "We're going to call her Zuanna Quagmire!"

A long time afterwards

"Klaus!Oh, I'm so happy to see you!" cried Isadora running into Klaus' arms.

"I thought they were never going to release you!" replied Klaus, relieved.

"Mummy!" shouted the triplets.

"Oh my babies! My little babies!" sobbed Isadora.

"Guess what! Fiona's been put on death row with her brother, The Hook Handed Man a.k.a Fernald. So we never have to see her again!" smiled Klaus.

In death row

Fiona and Fernald are in the same cell.

"Time to start planning our great escape!" whispered Fiona. They smiled but Fiona's eyes had a mad glint.

"You will marry me Klaus even if I have to kill you!" Fiona thought. "I will return. You will be mine Klaus Baudelaire. I will be Mrs Klaus Baudelaire, one day."

**THE END**

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews. **

**Here are some Fiona one-liners I wanted to use but couldn't fit in:**

"**Research this, Triangle-eyes!" (Actually this is Violet's line, but who cares!)**

"**Eat lead, Klaus-y boy!"**

"**Say hello to my new friend, Bruce!" Fiona said, pulling out a chainsaw. **

"**Let's see how you feel being in ribbons, as you love them so much!"**

"**Looks like I have two more portions of stewed pâté on the way!"**


End file.
